4. My Word Fetish

All through grade school I've had an on and off relationship with English. In elementary school we were besties, in middle school we were frenemies, and in high school we had a mutual respect for each other, but there has always been a special kind of dislike there. However, I did discover over the years that English was a subject I was rather good at it. Or at least at getting an A in the class. It wasn't exactly because I was born to write or because I knew how to shape words perfectly enough to make a grown man cry, it was more because I knew what people wanted to hear and how they wanted to hear it. When analyzing an epic poem in Mrs. Troyna's class I knew that she was more of a dramatic woman and would love to hear about how that random crow that was mentioned is a symbol of illness and death. In Mrs. Hartwick's class, she wanted to know about the curious questions that never get answered. I had realized that it really doesn't matter what 

So, in my efforts to delve deeper into the curiosities of the words I read and write about, things that I didn't see or feel but I knew people wanted to see and hear about, I developed a problem. I would come up with the perfect way to phrase things, but I just couldn't find the actual words for them. My best friend can attest to the agonizing struggle I would go through over days just so I could find the 
one word to perfect the one sentence in the one paragraph of my five page essay. I knew the word was there, I knew I knew it, and I knew I would remember it soon enough if I just thought about it hard enough and long enough. Usually, I would use a lesser word and turn in my paper with a "rubbed the wrong way" feeling. But, on rare and wondrous occasions,  I would remember the word and my creation would be perfect.This problem has followed me throughout my life now. I have not written an essay since middle school without a thesaurus handy. It's like I have this itch that I can't get ride of unless I find the exact word I am looking for. I also love finding out random words with the strangest but most beutiful definitions. I found out that the word "orenda" means a mystical force present in all people that empowers them to affect the world or to effect change in their own lives. I discovered the word "gezelling," which means connoting time spent with loved ones or togetherness after a long separation. Or, my personal favorite, "lethologica," the inability to recall a precise word for something. Am I making it worse by finding out about all these words that I will slightly remember in the future and feel the need to use in papers? Probably, but I love learning and this is one of the aspects of it I love the most.